Don’t Talk About “X”

When I was a kid, in the car with my parents and my older brother and sister, driving to a holiday gathering or family get-together of some sort, my mom would tell us, “Don’t talk about x.” Or “Don’t tell anyone about x. It’s none of their business.” x could be something our family was going through, one of us or all of us, big or small. It didn’t matter. I know my mom was trying to protect us and herself. From judgment, from gossip, from awkward situations. I was always on board, ready to go in tight-lipped and in protection mode. Don’t you dare judge my family. 

I love my mom and appreciate her for trying to protect us. I understand why her walls were up. I too am scared of others’ judgment and opinions. And I also crave connection. I love being truly seen and heard and understood. As I know we all do.

I can think of so many times in my life where I’ve been trying to maintain an image. Of being good, kind, and understanding. As perfect as I can. I don’t want anyone to be able to say anything bad about me. That I’m rude or insensitive or fake. That I hurt them. I want everyone to like me.

But they don’t and they won’t. If I have to appease everyone, I can never be myself. I’ll keep putting my feelings and needs second. I have this intention to change from being super passive and doormat-like to trying to be much more assertive and in my own integrity. It hasn’t been easy. Setting boundaries is new territory and sometimes feels too harsh or flat out wrong. I’m learning how to be more of who I really am, honoring my true feelings and needs, and less concerned with how I come across to others. But it’s a messy process and I’m not sure if I’m always doing it right. The egoic voice in my mind is not loving what it’s doing for my image. It’s always piping up about my choices. It wants to stay safe and in the familiar *walls up, please everyone* armor.

In conclusion, there’s no conclusion. I’ve been feeling too sensitive and overthink-y to share much lately. If you’re reading this I hope you’re doing well and that you have a good weekend.