What Helps Me Get Unstuck

Just a couple years ago I was living with my parents and feeling so, so loser-y and lost. Based on the choices I made that brought me there, I stopped trusting myself to make good decisions. I honestly didn’t know if I had what it took to be ok in the world. I dreamed of a day that I could get my own place with my beagle Gary and give him a quiet and stress-free home.

Last Christmas we moved into that place. A small but cozy top floor studio with a ton of natural light. In a colorful neighborhood in NW Portland where Gary has become a baying pillar of the community. He knows at least five places that he’s guaranteed to be given treats, and tries to pull me to them on our daily walks. He also finds plenty of deserted snacks on the streets. 

The thing that most helped me get unstuck and start to take chances on myself again was practicing self-compassion. Softening, taking deep breaths, noticing the barrage of negative thought patterns in my head but no longer subscribing to them. Meditation and yoga taught me how to do that. Two things I never wanted to try and still resist doing :) Along with feeling my feelings instead of running from them. And trying to extend towards myself the same level of sweetness and understanding I would offer anyone else.

Moving into my own place and getting what I wanted did not take away the loser-y and lost feelings. I still feel like that at times. I still have mean thoughts about myself and how I’m not good enough for things. Some days I forget to just witness those thoughts and I start believing them again. Those are the rough days. 

I know no external accomplishment is going to quell the parts of me that feel undeserving. A bigger apartment or a higher paying job wouldn’t do it. Practicing self-compassion is the most helpful for me. Attempting to understand and forgive myself rather than judge. Leaning into people that treat me well, even and especially when I feel not good enough.